Raw Review --- Piper, Cena, and the return of Matt F'n Hardy
Every Tuesday, it is my duty to write my Raw review. Ha, I said "duty", but no time to laugh about it now, I have a column to write.
Segment #1- Raw opens with the set for "the Cabana" set up in the ring. Carlito comes down and says that his guest will be Shawn Michaels. But instead, Chris Jericho comes out. Jericho says HBK will be his guest on the "Highlight Reel." Interesting exchange here, with pudgy Carlito saying Jericho's "lovehandles" hang out over his tights when he wrestles, and Jericho saying "I'm the Johnny Carson, you're the Carson Daily." Roddy Piper's music hits, and the Hot Rod says he is the original talk show host in the WWE and HBK will be in "Piper's Pit" tonight.
ANALYSIS: Nice suprise, good mic work by all three participants GRADE: 8/10
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Segment #2- Back from commercial, we are treated to a video package of the superstars in Japan. A Japanese fan asks John Cena if he "can touch it." Gay.
Chris Masters vs. Tajiri- Nice pyro for Masters. It had the production value of WCW Saturday Night. Tajiri takes control early with some nice athletic kicks and stuff and gets an "ECW" chant from the crowd. Then Masters hits the Masterlock out of nowhere. RESULT: Masters wins by submission.
ANALYSIS: Am I the only one who likes Chris Masters? GRADE: 7.5/10
Backstage, we see HBK getting some coffee. He is wearing the puffy shirt from that Seinfeld episode.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Segment #3- Raw returns from break with a promo of Kane's appearence at "Comic Con" in San Diego. Okay, whatever.
Backstage, we see Edge, Lita, and Schnitsky in the dressing room, watching footage of the "Edge/Lita wedding." Edge says his favorite part is when Matt Hardy's music came on. Apparently, Snitzkey has a foot fetish, and if he helps Edge win his match against Kane, Shitskee will get to eat Lita's feet. Gross. When did Vince Russo return to the WWE creative team?
We then see footage of Triple H bleeding profusely after the Hell in a Cell match at Vegence. Jim Ross says HHH is recovering and will be returning in a few weeks. Funny, since he wrestled in a dark match that night.
ANALYSIS: Nothing like a good foot fetish angle to make me forget there was no wrestling in this segment. GRADE: 5/10
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Segment #4- Back from commercial, we see Carlito already in the ring as Shelton Benjamin is introduced. Guess they didn't want to play Carlito's horrible entrance music again. Since when does the defending champion come out first? The match starts with some nice spots, but just as the momentum is building, we get ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK
We return with Coach telling us that Carlito controlled the action during the break. I don't know if I trust Coach since he stole my pastrami sandwich. Anyhow, some more wrestling, some back-and-forth near-falls, and then Carlito gets himself counted out to retain the title. I hate that rule. Why doesn't every heel champ just get himself counted out or d-q'd? John Cena is backstage arguing with Bischoff
ANALYSIS: Good match, but for some reason, I just can't get in to Benjamin. GRADE:8.5/10
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Segment #5- John Cena comes to the ring. Big pop when his music hits. He so over with the fans right now, but how long will it last? Bedingfield bought a spinny necklace thing at Raw last week. Cena says its been a tough day, because Bischoff has been up his ass all day. Gay. He says Bischoff reminds him of his mom from jr. high. Does that mean he had a different mom in jr. high? He then starts calling Jericho "Y2Cheap." I don't understand this hip-hop lingo. He says that if Jericho "wants some, come get some" but Bischoff comes out instead. They trade insults and then Bischoff says Cena can only defend the title when he says he can. Jericho comes out but Bischoff tells him he has to wait until Summerslam. Bischoff puts down Cena as an "unfit champ" and then Cena hits him with his finishing move and says "Welcome to the new Raw bitch."
Analysis: Re-run of the Austin/McMahon angle from the attitude era. Cena 3:16 says "I just stole your gimmick." Its fine though, I think it will play out well. GRADE:8.5/10
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Segment #6-Diva Search
Some nice HLA here, and Leila turns heel on Earl Hebner (when did he get his own intro music). Simona molests Coach with a sword in the "WTF?" moment of the night.
ANALYSIS: What if that was really Dave Hebner, the evil twin brother of Earl? Leila sure would feel stupid then. Just have Elisabeth and Ashley both win and make it stop.
GRADE: 3/10
COMMERCIAL BREAK
SEGMENT #7-Angle Invitational: Kurt Angle vs. Fired NYC teacher
Angle comes in and says he is starting up the Angle Invitational on Raw. This is where some jabroni gets a chance to win Angle's olympic medal by lasting three minutes in the ring. The challenger is Matt Martel...Matt Stryker...oh who cares? He's the guy who got fired for calling in sick to go wrestle indy shows. This was actually decent, except Stryker totally whimping out and tapping to the ankle lock immediately. You couldn't hold on for two more seconds?
ANALYSIS:Even though this was somewhat entertaining, please find something better for Angle...please?
GRADE:8/10
SEGMENT #8-Backstage, Kane is asked about his match against Edge. He does his evil laugh. Then we see Edge and Lita backstage and ...WHAT THE HELL? Was that Matt Hardy jumping Edge? I think it was! Nice.
After a commercial break, the Kane vs. Edge match begins and they wrestle around for a while before Schzitskie runs in and attacks Kane. Edge is disqualified. Does Shitsky get to eat Lita's feet even though Edge lost? Guess will have to...WHAT THE HELL? Its Matt Hardy again! Some pretty stiff shots are exchanged, and some hair pulling. Then security guards come in and seperate the two. Hardy grabs the mic and tells Adam (Edge) and Lita (interesting that he didn't refer to her as Amy here) that he will make their lives hell. And the WWE can go to hell too. Then he gets arrested.
ANALYSIS: I marked out for this, even though its an obvious work. Loved this segment and I hope the creative team doesn't screw it up.
GRADE: 10/10
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Segment #9 Piper's Pit
Finally, we will get an answer from HBK. Well, maybe not. He just talks about giving his all for the fans, blah blah blah. Then Piper demands an answer and gets a superkick instead. RAW goes off the air.
ANALYSIS: I'm not sure what to think. On one hand, I thought HBK struck out because he really needed to deliver a strong heel promo and failed to do so. But then he superkicks Roddy Piper and forces us to tune in next week to get an answer. Nice cliffhanger of a cliffhanger.
GRADE: 9/10
Overall, I thought it was an excellent show, with the Diva Search being the lone super-weak spot. I think Raw is building towards a turn around, with Cena vs. Bischoff, Edge vs Hardy, and Hogan/Michaels leading the way. Wrestling popularity goes in cycles, and its been in decline for about 5 years now...so the time is right for the next big wave to hit.
OVERALL GRADE: 9/10
Segment #1- Raw opens with the set for "the Cabana" set up in the ring. Carlito comes down and says that his guest will be Shawn Michaels. But instead, Chris Jericho comes out. Jericho says HBK will be his guest on the "Highlight Reel." Interesting exchange here, with pudgy Carlito saying Jericho's "lovehandles" hang out over his tights when he wrestles, and Jericho saying "I'm the Johnny Carson, you're the Carson Daily." Roddy Piper's music hits, and the Hot Rod says he is the original talk show host in the WWE and HBK will be in "Piper's Pit" tonight.
ANALYSIS: Nice suprise, good mic work by all three participants GRADE: 8/10
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Segment #2- Back from commercial, we are treated to a video package of the superstars in Japan. A Japanese fan asks John Cena if he "can touch it." Gay.
Chris Masters vs. Tajiri- Nice pyro for Masters. It had the production value of WCW Saturday Night. Tajiri takes control early with some nice athletic kicks and stuff and gets an "ECW" chant from the crowd. Then Masters hits the Masterlock out of nowhere. RESULT: Masters wins by submission.
ANALYSIS: Am I the only one who likes Chris Masters? GRADE: 7.5/10
Backstage, we see HBK getting some coffee. He is wearing the puffy shirt from that Seinfeld episode.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Segment #3- Raw returns from break with a promo of Kane's appearence at "Comic Con" in San Diego. Okay, whatever.
Backstage, we see Edge, Lita, and Schnitsky in the dressing room, watching footage of the "Edge/Lita wedding." Edge says his favorite part is when Matt Hardy's music came on. Apparently, Snitzkey has a foot fetish, and if he helps Edge win his match against Kane, Shitskee will get to eat Lita's feet. Gross. When did Vince Russo return to the WWE creative team?
We then see footage of Triple H bleeding profusely after the Hell in a Cell match at Vegence. Jim Ross says HHH is recovering and will be returning in a few weeks. Funny, since he wrestled in a dark match that night.
ANALYSIS: Nothing like a good foot fetish angle to make me forget there was no wrestling in this segment. GRADE: 5/10
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Segment #4- Back from commercial, we see Carlito already in the ring as Shelton Benjamin is introduced. Guess they didn't want to play Carlito's horrible entrance music again. Since when does the defending champion come out first? The match starts with some nice spots, but just as the momentum is building, we get ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK
We return with Coach telling us that Carlito controlled the action during the break. I don't know if I trust Coach since he stole my pastrami sandwich. Anyhow, some more wrestling, some back-and-forth near-falls, and then Carlito gets himself counted out to retain the title. I hate that rule. Why doesn't every heel champ just get himself counted out or d-q'd? John Cena is backstage arguing with Bischoff
ANALYSIS: Good match, but for some reason, I just can't get in to Benjamin. GRADE:8.5/10
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Segment #5- John Cena comes to the ring. Big pop when his music hits. He so over with the fans right now, but how long will it last? Bedingfield bought a spinny necklace thing at Raw last week. Cena says its been a tough day, because Bischoff has been up his ass all day. Gay. He says Bischoff reminds him of his mom from jr. high. Does that mean he had a different mom in jr. high? He then starts calling Jericho "Y2Cheap." I don't understand this hip-hop lingo. He says that if Jericho "wants some, come get some" but Bischoff comes out instead. They trade insults and then Bischoff says Cena can only defend the title when he says he can. Jericho comes out but Bischoff tells him he has to wait until Summerslam. Bischoff puts down Cena as an "unfit champ" and then Cena hits him with his finishing move and says "Welcome to the new Raw bitch."
Analysis: Re-run of the Austin/McMahon angle from the attitude era. Cena 3:16 says "I just stole your gimmick." Its fine though, I think it will play out well. GRADE:8.5/10
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Segment #6-Diva Search
Some nice HLA here, and Leila turns heel on Earl Hebner (when did he get his own intro music). Simona molests Coach with a sword in the "WTF?" moment of the night.
ANALYSIS: What if that was really Dave Hebner, the evil twin brother of Earl? Leila sure would feel stupid then. Just have Elisabeth and Ashley both win and make it stop.
GRADE: 3/10
COMMERCIAL BREAK
SEGMENT #7-Angle Invitational: Kurt Angle vs. Fired NYC teacher
Angle comes in and says he is starting up the Angle Invitational on Raw. This is where some jabroni gets a chance to win Angle's olympic medal by lasting three minutes in the ring. The challenger is Matt Martel...Matt Stryker...oh who cares? He's the guy who got fired for calling in sick to go wrestle indy shows. This was actually decent, except Stryker totally whimping out and tapping to the ankle lock immediately. You couldn't hold on for two more seconds?
ANALYSIS:Even though this was somewhat entertaining, please find something better for Angle...please?
GRADE:8/10
SEGMENT #8-Backstage, Kane is asked about his match against Edge. He does his evil laugh. Then we see Edge and Lita backstage and ...WHAT THE HELL? Was that Matt Hardy jumping Edge? I think it was! Nice.
After a commercial break, the Kane vs. Edge match begins and they wrestle around for a while before Schzitskie runs in and attacks Kane. Edge is disqualified. Does Shitsky get to eat Lita's feet even though Edge lost? Guess will have to...WHAT THE HELL? Its Matt Hardy again! Some pretty stiff shots are exchanged, and some hair pulling. Then security guards come in and seperate the two. Hardy grabs the mic and tells Adam (Edge) and Lita (interesting that he didn't refer to her as Amy here) that he will make their lives hell. And the WWE can go to hell too. Then he gets arrested.
ANALYSIS: I marked out for this, even though its an obvious work. Loved this segment and I hope the creative team doesn't screw it up.
GRADE: 10/10
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Segment #9 Piper's Pit
Finally, we will get an answer from HBK. Well, maybe not. He just talks about giving his all for the fans, blah blah blah. Then Piper demands an answer and gets a superkick instead. RAW goes off the air.
ANALYSIS: I'm not sure what to think. On one hand, I thought HBK struck out because he really needed to deliver a strong heel promo and failed to do so. But then he superkicks Roddy Piper and forces us to tune in next week to get an answer. Nice cliffhanger of a cliffhanger.
GRADE: 9/10
Overall, I thought it was an excellent show, with the Diva Search being the lone super-weak spot. I think Raw is building towards a turn around, with Cena vs. Bischoff, Edge vs Hardy, and Hogan/Michaels leading the way. Wrestling popularity goes in cycles, and its been in decline for about 5 years now...so the time is right for the next big wave to hit.
OVERALL GRADE: 9/10
posted by hulkstillrules at 9:54 AM
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